Hey MPAA...

…you suck.

That’s right.

This rant has been in me forever. Others have already shared the sentiment. But you know what the most offensive “PSA” style campaign in recent memory is? Try the “don’t pirate” ads we get to enjoy before sucking down your $10 a head flicks. Is this only me? I doubt it. I just paid to watch your movie, and you are exploiting my captivity to remind me to keep behaving like a good boy. So here is some advice. The last thing you should be doing is reminding your paying customers that they may be engaging in criminal activity elsewhere. Well guess what, we paid for our tickets, so cut us some slack, mmm k?

Wouldn’t it be fun for other media industries to follow suit? We can then watch the hilarity ensue. Have the newspapers get a crack at it first. Here is my suggested warning: “Attention subscribers, sharing this paper with your neighbor hurts paperboys”. The warning should replace page one. Also, it would be good for the newspaper to somehow be sealed shut to force the consumer to consume the message longer.

If you want to bombard the public with your heavy handed tactics (“oh look, the best grip is crying because he can’t buy a thanksgiving turkey! I really should have paid for The Fast and The Furious 16”) then fork up the cash and pay from some more ads. But how about you leave them out of the places you know people have paid.

Then again, I could be wrong. Perhaps college students across America are walking away from your lessons filled with doubt and conviction. Uh-oh, wakey-wakey time.

So here’s a novel (not actually) thought. Perhaps you should focus on developing incentives for people to buy your products. Let’s see, get it for free or pay for it. Why should we pay again? Oh that’s it, because it’s the right thing to do and it supports the industry. You know what, that’s fine with me. But guess what, most people don’t care. See your bed, Hollywood? That’s right, you’ve helped create an amoral vacuum of relativism in American society, and now you want people to do the right thing.

So here’s a suggestion. Go out and do some research on the rate of “piracy” of the Criterion Collection discs versus say, the best of Bruckheimer/Bay. I bet you’ll see a difference. Now why do you think that could be? Could it be you shape your audience? Could it be, people are less willing to buy cat food for dinner than say, a nice fresh albacore steak?

I’m out of sarcasm…

—Nov 09, 2004